IT'S A QUIET THING, CHARLIE BROWN!

Happy New Year!
This year I made some resolutions but one is to uphold a resolution I made back in July of 2013.  A Half Year Resolution, if you will.

Recently I've been noticing a common theme coming up again in the studio (and even OUTSIDE of the studio) and it's something that I really struggled with in my own way, as well, up until this summer when I developed my Half Year Resolution and things are going much better.
The issue at hand is this:  Allowing close people in our lives to turn something that makes us happy into something that makes us unhappy.

If you're a singer or performer, I'm sure you've come in contact with someone along the way who, upon showing them something you're proud of, makes a comment that throws you into the depths of self-doubt. "That note was funny." "Your voice is really nasal." "You're so loud." "Is it supposed to sound that way?"  And something that once was fun is now not fun anymore.  So you stop.

I've been hearing a lot of these stories lately around singing in particular and, although somewhat indirectly, I could totally relate. I luckily am too psycho to care about the comments I've heard about my singing voice, but I certainly could relate to regrets about sharing something important with someone who didn't have the capacity to appreciate it for whatever reasons. I finally found a way to dig myself out of the holes created by the negativity grenades that have been tossed my way, so I want to share with you how I did it, how it's going and how you can do it, too, in relation to your singing or anything else.

This summer I read a book that I actually chose as one of my top Mixie Picks back in December.  It's called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown.  I discovered her TED talks this year, read her book, took an online class with her and basically try to live by her mantras and remind myself of them every day.  One thing in particular that she says in her book was immensely helpful to me in sort of a backwards way in regards to the aforementioned issue, and it has changed my life in a huge way.  She said this pertaining to stories of shame and vulnerability, but I found it to be equally helpful pertaining to stories about joy.

Brené says:

"Our stories are not meant for everyone.  Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share:  'Who has earned the right to hear my story?'"




I am a REALLY hard worker and when I have work-related victories I like to share them with the people I care about.  I went through years of working so hard and (thankfully) being rewarded occasionally whether it be my Master's Degree, a job offer, a raise... feeling totally elated and proud, and then calling someone to share my happiness only to have it swatted down. "Oh.  Did you know somebody over there who helped you get the job?" "It's just non-equity though, right?" "That's all it pays?" Or the dreaded "Wow, congratulations…*eyes glaze over *"

And then it's not a happy thing anymore.  It turns into guilt, doubt and questions of self-worth.   Should I not have wanted this? Did I deserve it? Maybe this isn't as good as I thought it was. Maybe I'M not as good as I thought I was. Maybe this isn't for me after all.

And so before I read this book, I went through a period where I stopped telling people about the things that made me happy.  It took me days, weeks and sometimes months or even years to let people know I was dating someone, got a part in a show, got a job… all so I could sit in my own happiness for a while and not let it get spoiled.  I can't tell you how many times I had Liza's rendition of "A Quiet Thing" in my head this year.


And then I read this book and realized I WAS on the right track but I really had to adjust something.  Here is my abridged, elementary school lesson plan version.

This is You.

Think of it this way.  You're Charlie Brown.











Charlie Brown has MANY friends.

In almost every episode, Charlie Brown goes to Lucy for advice and confides in her because she's his friend.

And in almost every episode, he gets this in return:

 

He is continually seeking the support of a friend, and in return she continually sabotages him.  Why does he keep going back to Lucy? She's there, she's available, she is seemingly offering support, but we can see that this is repetitive behavior that needs to be changed.  We can't change Lucy's behavior because we're not Lucy, so we have to change Charlie Brown's behavior which is the bad habit of going to those who don't deserve to hear our story because they repeatedly prove that they will not give us what we want, need, or deserve to hear

We have to be responsible for protecting ourselves against potential football fake-outs and those who are just out to take our 5 cents.  BUT!  The lesson I learned from Brené's book is that we don't have to stop telling people our stories (or singing) altogether just because of one rotten Peanut.

We have to look around at where the real support consistently comes from:

It's Here!

Linus is always the voice of reason and, if you've seen the Charlie Brown shows, you know that the really meaningful conversations usually happen at this brick wall.   Linus is always supportive of Charlie Brown no matter what and he never makes matters WORSE.  He just listens and because of this he has, in fact, EARNED the right to hear Charlie Brown's story. 

You have to find your Linus and allow ONLY Linus to share in these experiences with you because your Linus will never make you feel badly about something you feel good about like the Lucy's in your life will.
This isn't to say you can't still be FRIENDS with Lucy.  Lucy is still fun to play baseball with… but maybe don't call her right away when you're asked to direct the Christmas Play or when the Little Red-Headed Girl sends you a Valentine… or even when she DOESN'T send you a Valentine!  Linus is always the one to call for that.

Many of us stop singing because we had a couple of people whose opinions we considered important make some stupid comments whether consciously or unconsciously about the quality of our work.  Maybe they were only trying to help, maybe they were jealous… but regardless of the reason for their comments, we still found them to be hurtful and they shut us up.  We don't have to stop singing or expressing ourselves entirely.  We just have to stop singing for THOSE PEOPLE and stop seeking the approval of THOSE PEOPLE.
Yes, your father might be a very important person in your life, but if he is the one who consistently makes vaguely critical comments concerning your high notes to the point of making you terrified to open your mouth at an audition, he isn't the important person to go to for SINGING-related stuff. Go to him for other things, but singing won't be one of them. It's hard work to keep things we're proud of to ourselves but it's well worth it.
It's easy to forget with our cultures dependency on social media sites that it's not exactly natural to announce our every move to our entire social circle.  It's our learned reflex to tell everybody we know everything about the things that make us happy and hope our friends click the "Like" button, but sometimes to protect our most prized moments, we have to fight the urge to post.  

In implementing this Half Year Resolution, I've learned to detect the football fake-outs early on and avoid them almost altogether.  I have been off of Facebook since September and honestly, I'm kind of loving it.  I haven't been going to my Lucy's as often with the stuff that's really important to me and so I've been much happier about my accomplishments, and my relationships with my Linuses are getting even stronger because I'm realizing that those people are trustworthy and will never take the football away when I try to kick it.  The brick wall is the place to be!

Happy New Year, everybody!

If you want to try Brené Brown's book, find it here on Amazon.com